Being concerned about big ISP monopolies who had lobbied for per-user data caps and an “anti-Internet set of “Lawful Access” policies that would have Internet providers collect personal information without court oversight” The Portable Consultant  “signed” this petition by OpenMedia.ca and they sent an email on my behalf to my local Member of Parliament.

Minutes later I get the following auto-response from my MP’s parliamentary email address:
—
“Response sent April 12, 2011

“Thank you for your e-mail.

“Due to the election please contact mike@mikewallace.ca .

“The Campaign Office is located at 4460 Fairview Street, Unit B-101, in the plaza at the corner of Fairview and Appleby Line. -www.mikewallace.ca
—

…and I have to laugh at the automated email responder that tells me the email address to forward mail to but is not set up to forward the email automatically!

Once again politicians, government in general, prove that they do NOT “get” the Internet. It seems they still don’t even understand how to handle email.

Since his office is just around the corner I will PRINT the email for my Honourable Member of Parliament and deliver it in person – with a huge grin on my face.

Thanks for the chuckles, Government of Canada (aka “The Harper Government” ™)

Cheers,
-pmh

The following ‘story’ has lived on the Internet for many long years. Apparently it first appeared in Datamation Magazine in 1968. I’ve heard that this code actually compiles, but not having a COBOL compiler I have not verified this.

(Apologies to you perfectionists for minor problems with formatting… the WordPress editor seems not to fully respect the venerable PREFORMAT tags… feel free to copy this to your punch cards.)

Cheers,
-pmh

…and, Thank you Grace. Things haven’t been the same since you found that bug.

            THE COMMON BUSINESS ORIENTED GOLDILOCKS
            --- ------ -------- -------- ----------

IDENTIFICATION DIVISON.
PROGRAM ID.           A COBOL FABLE.
SECURITY.             INSECURE.
PROGRAMMER-ID.        ARTHUR SHAPIRO.
REMARKS.              SLIGHTLY MORE MANGLED VERSION OF ONE IN JAN., 1968
               DATAMATION.
DATE WRITTEN.         ONCE UPON A TIME.

ENVIRONMENT DIVISON.
CONFIGURATION SECTION.
OBJECT COMPUTER.      ANY MUSIC BOX, MEMORY SIZE 8X64 BYTES,
                      19 TAPE DRIVES, 11 DISK DRIVES, 1 GOLDILOCKS, 3 BEARS.
INPUT-OUTPUT SECTION.
FILE-CONTROL.
    SELECT TAPE DRIVES, ASSIGN THEM TO CREDITOR.
    SELECT DISK DRIVES.
    SELECT GOLDILOCKS, SELECT BEARS, ASSIGN TO ONE COTTAGE.
I-O CONTROL.
    APPLY RED TAPE TO TAPE DRIVES, APPLY BRAHMS RECORD TO DISK DRIVE,
    APPLY GOLDI, BEARS TO COTTAGE.
    DATA DIVISON.
FD GOLDI.
    LABEL RECORDS ARE STANDARD
    VALUE OF IDENTIFACTION IS "GOLDILOCKS"
    DATA RECORD IS GOLDILOCKS.
01  GOLDILOCKS.
    02    HGT   SIZE IS 62 INS.
    02    WGT   SIZE IS 110 LBS.
    02    VITAL-STATS.
          03    B     38.
          03    W     24.
          03    H     36.
    02    RATING      100%.
FD  THREE-BEARS.
    LABEL RECORDS ARE STANDARD
    VALUE OF IDENTIFICATION IS "BEARS"
    DATA RECORDS ARE DADDY-BEAR, MUMMY-BEAR, BABY-BEAR.
01  DADDY-BEAR.
    02    HGT   70 INS.
    02    WGT   750 LBS.
    02    COLOR-OF-EYES   BLOODSHOT.
    02    DISPOSITION     UNBEARABLE.
01  MUMMY-BEAR.
    02    HGT   65 INS.
    02    WGT   700 LBS.
    02    COLOR-OF-EYES   BLUE.
    02    DISPOSITION     BEARABLE.
01  BABY-BEAR.
    02    HGT   40 INS.
    02    DISPOSITION     INFANTILE.
WORKING-STORAGE SECTION.
01 COTTAGE      PICTURE IS COZY.
    02    KITCHEN.
          03    TABLE     SIZE IS LARGE, VALUE IS 1.
          03    CHAIRS    SIZE IS MEDIUM, VALUE IS 3.
    02    PORRIDGE.
          03    KING-SIZE    OCCURS 1 TIME.
          03    QUEEN-SIZE   OCCURS 1 TIME.
          03    PRINCE-SIZE  OCCURS 1 TIME.
    02    DOOR  SIZE IS USUAL, VALUE IS OPEN.
    02    BEDROOM.
          03    BED.
                04 LARGE     OCCURS 1 TIME.
                04 MEDIUM    OCCURS 1 TIME.
                04 SMALL     OCCURS 1 TIME.
          03    WINDOW    SIZE IS SMALL, VALUE IS OPEN.
01  CORRECT-COTTAGE REDEFINES COTTAGE, VALUE IS SAME.
77 KING-SIZE-BED-SLEPT-IN    SIZE IS BIG, VALUE IS ROCK-BOTTOM.
77 QUEEN-SIZE-BED-SLEPT-IN   SIZE IS MEDIUM, VALUE IS DEPRESSED.
77 NO-PORRIDGE               SIZE IS SMALL, VALUE IS ZERO.
77 SIP                       SIZE IS LITTLE, VALUE IS "SSSLURP".
77 SLUMBERLAND               SIZE IS UNLIMITED, VALUE IS ZZZZZZZZZ.
CONSTANT SECTION.
01 COMMENT1     SIZE IS 36, VALUE IS "SOMEBODY HAS BEEN EATING MY PORRIDGE".
01 COMMENT2     SIZE IS 36, VALUE IS "SOMEBODY HAS BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED".
PROCEDURE DIVISION.
FOREST SECTION.
START-OF-TALE.
    OPEN STORY. READ FOLLOWING.
FIRST-MOVE.
    MOVE GOLDILOCKS TO COTTAGE.
    IF DOOR IS CLOSED OR BEARS ARE GREATER THAN ZERO ALTER ENTER-GO3
          PROCEED TO HASTY-RETREAT.
ENTER-GOLDILOCKS.
    GO TO KITCHEN-SCENE.
KITCHEN-SCENE.
    IF PORRIDGE IS KING-SIZE, PERFORM TASTE-ROUTINE VARYING PORRIDGE-
          KING-SIZE BY 1 UNTIL PORRIDGE EQUALS PRINCE-SIZE
          OTHERWISE COMPUTE IF COTTAGE = CORRECT-COTTAGE GO TO BEDROOM-SCENE.
TASTE-ROUTINE.
    SUBTRACT SIP FROM PORRIDGE(KING-SIZE).
    SUBTRACT SIP FROM PORRIDGE(QUEEN-SIZE).
    SUBTRACT SIP FROM PORRIDGE(PRINCE-SIZE) GIVING NO-PORRIDGE.
BEDROOM-SCENE.
    MOVE GOLDILOCKS TO BEDROOM.
    ADD GOLDILOCKS TO BED(LARGE). DISPLAY "IT IS TOO HARD".
    SUBTRACT GOLDILOCKS FROM BED(LARGE) GIVING KING-SIZE-BED-SLEPT-IN.
    MOVE GOLDILOCKS TO BED(MEDIUM). DISPLAY "IT IS TOO SOFT".
    SUBTRACT GOLDILOCKS FROM BED(MEDIUM) GIVING OUEEN-SIZE-BED-SLEPT-IN.
    MOVE GOLDILOCKS TO BED(SMALL). DISPLAY "IT IS JUST RIGHT".
    ADD GOLDILOCKS TO SLUMBERLAND.
BEARS-RETURN.
    MOVE DADDY-BEAR, MUMMY-BEAR, BABY-BEAR TO KITCHEN.
    MOVE CORRESPONDING BEARS TO PORRIDGE.
    DISPLAY "DADDY BEAR ", COMMENT1.
    DISPLAY "MUMMY BEAR ", COMMENT1.
    DISPLAY "BABY BEAR ", COMMENT1, " AND EATEN IT ALL UP".
    MOVE BEARS TO BEDROOM.
BEARS-IN-BEDROOM.
    EXAMINE BEDS, REPLACING ALL GOLDILOCKS WITH BEARS.
    DISPLAY "DADDY BEAR ", COMMENT2.
    DISPLAY "MUMMY BEAR ", COMMENT2.
    DISPLAY "BABY BEAR ", COMMENT2, " AND HERE SHE IS".
HASTY-RETREAT.
    IF WINDOW IS OPEN EXIT GOLDILOCKS OTHERWISE MOVE GOLDILOCKS TO DOOR.
END-OF-TALE.
    CLOSE STORY, DISPLAY "WOULD YOU BELIEVE CINDERELLA IN PL/I?".
    STOP RUN.

That was a playground (umm… for adults, you know – like Vegas).

Now we can go to work in a similar environment.

Sun has recently set up a virtual world for its teleworkers, very much like Second Life.

…and they appear to be giving it away as open source.

Now, I’m sure you will want to think very carefully about the design, and clothing, of your workplace avatar!

Cheers,
-pmh

Try searching on your name and take note of the sponsored links!

Sponsored links based on your search keywords can turn anyone, or any thing, into a hot web commodity.

Cheers,
-pmh

ps: These are from SurfWax.com, a useful meta search engine.

Sponsored Links

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The article is another case of technology overtaking common sense. While virtualization is indeed a great tool, for certain jobs and in certain situations, the article’s description of users running multiple operating systems sounds like the kind of fantasy usually reserved for those quarterly results calls tech firms put on for the financial analysts:

“One virtual machine might run Windows Vista and handle every day computing tasks, while another could be used only to browse the Internet, limiting any security threats to the parameters of the virtual machine — which could be deleted.

“A third virtual machine might run a version of Linux that is compatible with programs on the user’s work computer. And a fourth virtual machine might run Windows XP software that is not compatible with the Windows Vista machine.”

-Reuters.com: Dell eyes PCs running Linux, Windows at same time

Ok, now stop laughing at the thought of paying for a second, older Microsoft OS in order to run the software that the Vista Ultimate fails to run long enough to total up how much this Dream PC is cost you in operating systems.

Note that we no longer use our main copy of Windows for Internet surfing… too dangerous! …we need an expendable copy! (By the way, Sandboxie does this reasonably well for free – or $25 USD if you choose to register. A USB key with SanDisk’s U3 or Lexar’s PowerToGo is another alternative).

The author must be smoking something really fine if he sees a world in which we want to run MS Windows even though our office system is Linux.

A great article, all ’round… this one goes in my ‘YukYuk’ archive.

Cheers,
-pmh

- What’s the second coolest thing you’ve ever done?
- Write a haiku about online technology.
- What’s your slogan (or soundtrack)?
- What would you do with an extra 6 hours a day?
- What question should we ask you in an interview?

Although I’m not in a position to consider the position, I did decide to complete the questionnaire:

- What’s the second coolest thing you’ve ever done?
This changes depending on mood, but it might be:

* refilling portable generators with gasoline in order to keep Yahoo’s back end search engine, The Open Text Index, on the Internet during a four day power outage in Mountainview while the soon-to-be billionaire David Filo sat on the floor of Yahoo’s ISP next door screwing plugs onto electrical cables (1995).

The coolest was probably…
* videotaping Johnny Rotten’s screen test for the lead role in The Who’s movie Quadrophenia (circa 1977) – he didn’t get the part.

– Write a haiku about online technology.
(inspired by Ian Fleming…)
Spring only comes twice:
First the Internet Bubble
Then Web 2.0

- What’s your slogan (or soundtrack)?
Everybody… wants my body… sometime.
(to the tune of the Sinatra’s Everybody Needs Somebody…)

- What would you do with an extra 6 hours a day?
Convert my meeting schedule to metric time.

– What question should we ask you in an interview?
Ans (recursive): “What question should we ask you in an interview”

Cheers,
-pmh

Thank you for new Trivial Pursuit – Web 2.0 Edition you dropped off the other day. It’s perfect for a guy who spends his commute listening to the latest tech podcasts. I particularly like the fact that in this edition there are several “right” answers to every question.

The Portable Consultant was thrilled by Trivial Pursuit – Web 2.0 Edition’s insightful trivia, such as:

• “What does RSS stand for?”

ans.: “lots of things“

…and the ambiguous potential of questions like:

• “Who is the Podfather?”

ans.: Depends whose podcast you listen to… Adam Curry (historical term), Ricky Gervais (The Pretender), or Leo Laporte (who favours Doug Kaye)

…and…

• “What term is used to describe the distribution of audio content via RSS?”

ans.: “audio blog” (BC – Before Curry), “podcast”, “netcast” (if you’re a TWIT)

I love the educational value of such questions as:

• “Name three patent holders who now effectively control the Internet?”

ans.: SCO (owns Linux), Apple (owns “podcasting” …except for Beatles golden hit shows), and Microsoft/Novell (owns Linux)

…and…

• “When is open source not open source?”

ans.: When it’s Shared Source ^TM [Microsoft]“

Some questions certainly make you appreciate the value and spirit of our new online communities, such as:

• “What did the founders of YouTube do for the video community that made them filthy rich (to the tune of 1.64B USD in Google stock)?”

ans.: They posted a short [1:36 min.] “thank you” video to the site.

Of course the publishers of the game get full marks for presentation, too! I love the O’Reilly animal pictures on the backs of the cards, the free 1000 page white paper on the definition of Web 2.0, and the one year free subscription to Wikipedia Online!

Thanks, Santa, for a great nerd’s eye review of 2006!
-pmh

What I had heard was that “Vista Premium Ready” means the unit will actually run Vista in all its glory while “Vista Capable” means it will run fine as long as you don’t choose to use the new GUI in all its glory… in other words, a more simple interface will run fine but the prettier Aero Glass GUI probably won’t work or, at the very least, will slow the system down to unacceptable levels.

None of the advertising flyers I’ve seen this season explain this – not even the ones that promote and explain the Express Upgrade to Windows Vista for those buying certain XP systems.

Perhaps the industry is rushing to rid itself of old stock and parts before Vista becomes the default OS on new systems.

Be that as it may, I was astounded to see a chart on Dell’s site that seems to indicate that “Vista Capable” means a Dell PC that is…:

Great for…
Booting the Operating System, without running applications or games

I suppose that’s what Microsoft would refer to as a “core experience.”

Dell wins The Portable Consultant’s 2006 Award for Dubious Truth in High-Tech Advertising.

Cheers,
-pmh

The award was in recognition of Mr. Laporte’s long term contribution to both Old Media and Podcasting Netcasting and for being such a fine example for those over the age of 32 40 45 who enjoy listening to his shows in order to work up the courage to become podcasters netcasters themselves.

A pre-owned copy of Mitch Miller’s Fireside album was presented after the taping. The award was contingent on the understanding that Leo will share it with Steve Gibson of Security Now. “That’s funny”, said Laporte.

The Portable Consultant, seated in a one-man Peanut Gallery behind people who had been hugged by Amber MacArthur, also took the opportunity to instruct staff at No Regrets in the finer points of selling Moosehead lager.

Cheers!
-pmh

“…in search of an experienced Infrastructure Architect to join our client in Toronto, Canada. Our client is currently working on a $12 billion project which will allow TV streaming through your phone line using internet protocols.”

Now, since my home phone doesn’t have a screen I guess they’ll install one. So I suppose that’s where the high cost is coming from.

Cheers!
-pmh