The Portable Consultant has read at The Register that COBOL turned FIFTY (50) years old today… Welcome to the Middle Ages, COBOL! We like to say “Fifty is the new Forty”, but in your case… perhaps not so much.

The following ‘story’ has lived on the Internet for many long years. Apparently it first appeared in Datamation Magazine in 1968. I’ve heard that this code actually compiles, but not having a COBOL compiler I have not verified this.

(Apologies to you perfectionists for minor problems with formatting… the WordPress editor seems not to fully respect the venerable PREFORMAT tags… feel free to copy this to your punch cards.)

Cheers,
-pmh

…and, Thank you Grace. Things haven’t been the same since you found that bug.

            THE COMMON BUSINESS ORIENTED GOLDILOCKS
            --- ------ -------- -------- ----------

IDENTIFICATION DIVISON.
PROGRAM ID.           A COBOL FABLE.
SECURITY.             INSECURE.
PROGRAMMER-ID.        ARTHUR SHAPIRO.
REMARKS.              SLIGHTLY MORE MANGLED VERSION OF ONE IN JAN., 1968
               DATAMATION.
DATE WRITTEN.         ONCE UPON A TIME.

ENVIRONMENT DIVISON.
CONFIGURATION SECTION.
OBJECT COMPUTER.      ANY MUSIC BOX, MEMORY SIZE 8X64 BYTES,
                      19 TAPE DRIVES, 11 DISK DRIVES, 1 GOLDILOCKS, 3 BEARS.
INPUT-OUTPUT SECTION.
FILE-CONTROL.
    SELECT TAPE DRIVES, ASSIGN THEM TO CREDITOR.
    SELECT DISK DRIVES.
    SELECT GOLDILOCKS, SELECT BEARS, ASSIGN TO ONE COTTAGE.
I-O CONTROL.
    APPLY RED TAPE TO TAPE DRIVES, APPLY BRAHMS RECORD TO DISK DRIVE,
    APPLY GOLDI, BEARS TO COTTAGE.
    DATA DIVISON.
FD GOLDI.
    LABEL RECORDS ARE STANDARD
    VALUE OF IDENTIFACTION IS "GOLDILOCKS"
    DATA RECORD IS GOLDILOCKS.
01  GOLDILOCKS.
    02    HGT   SIZE IS 62 INS.
    02    WGT   SIZE IS 110 LBS.
    02    VITAL-STATS.
          03    B     38.
          03    W     24.
          03    H     36.
    02    RATING      100%.
FD  THREE-BEARS.
    LABEL RECORDS ARE STANDARD
    VALUE OF IDENTIFICATION IS "BEARS"
    DATA RECORDS ARE DADDY-BEAR, MUMMY-BEAR, BABY-BEAR.
01  DADDY-BEAR.
    02    HGT   70 INS.
    02    WGT   750 LBS.
    02    COLOR-OF-EYES   BLOODSHOT.
    02    DISPOSITION     UNBEARABLE.
01  MUMMY-BEAR.
    02    HGT   65 INS.
    02    WGT   700 LBS.
    02    COLOR-OF-EYES   BLUE.
    02    DISPOSITION     BEARABLE.
01  BABY-BEAR.
    02    HGT   40 INS.
    02    DISPOSITION     INFANTILE.
WORKING-STORAGE SECTION.
01 COTTAGE      PICTURE IS COZY.
    02    KITCHEN.
          03    TABLE     SIZE IS LARGE, VALUE IS 1.
          03    CHAIRS    SIZE IS MEDIUM, VALUE IS 3.
    02    PORRIDGE.
          03    KING-SIZE    OCCURS 1 TIME.
          03    QUEEN-SIZE   OCCURS 1 TIME.
          03    PRINCE-SIZE  OCCURS 1 TIME.
    02    DOOR  SIZE IS USUAL, VALUE IS OPEN.
    02    BEDROOM.
          03    BED.
                04 LARGE     OCCURS 1 TIME.
                04 MEDIUM    OCCURS 1 TIME.
                04 SMALL     OCCURS 1 TIME.
          03    WINDOW    SIZE IS SMALL, VALUE IS OPEN.
01  CORRECT-COTTAGE REDEFINES COTTAGE, VALUE IS SAME.
77 KING-SIZE-BED-SLEPT-IN    SIZE IS BIG, VALUE IS ROCK-BOTTOM.
77 QUEEN-SIZE-BED-SLEPT-IN   SIZE IS MEDIUM, VALUE IS DEPRESSED.
77 NO-PORRIDGE               SIZE IS SMALL, VALUE IS ZERO.
77 SIP                       SIZE IS LITTLE, VALUE IS "SSSLURP".
77 SLUMBERLAND               SIZE IS UNLIMITED, VALUE IS ZZZZZZZZZ.
CONSTANT SECTION.
01 COMMENT1     SIZE IS 36, VALUE IS "SOMEBODY HAS BEEN EATING MY PORRIDGE".
01 COMMENT2     SIZE IS 36, VALUE IS "SOMEBODY HAS BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED".
PROCEDURE DIVISION.
FOREST SECTION.
START-OF-TALE.
    OPEN STORY. READ FOLLOWING.
FIRST-MOVE.
    MOVE GOLDILOCKS TO COTTAGE.
    IF DOOR IS CLOSED OR BEARS ARE GREATER THAN ZERO ALTER ENTER-GO3
          PROCEED TO HASTY-RETREAT.
ENTER-GOLDILOCKS.
    GO TO KITCHEN-SCENE.
KITCHEN-SCENE.
    IF PORRIDGE IS KING-SIZE, PERFORM TASTE-ROUTINE VARYING PORRIDGE-
          KING-SIZE BY 1 UNTIL PORRIDGE EQUALS PRINCE-SIZE
          OTHERWISE COMPUTE IF COTTAGE = CORRECT-COTTAGE GO TO BEDROOM-SCENE.
TASTE-ROUTINE.
    SUBTRACT SIP FROM PORRIDGE(KING-SIZE).
    SUBTRACT SIP FROM PORRIDGE(QUEEN-SIZE).
    SUBTRACT SIP FROM PORRIDGE(PRINCE-SIZE) GIVING NO-PORRIDGE.
BEDROOM-SCENE.
    MOVE GOLDILOCKS TO BEDROOM.
    ADD GOLDILOCKS TO BED(LARGE). DISPLAY "IT IS TOO HARD".
    SUBTRACT GOLDILOCKS FROM BED(LARGE) GIVING KING-SIZE-BED-SLEPT-IN.
    MOVE GOLDILOCKS TO BED(MEDIUM). DISPLAY "IT IS TOO SOFT".
    SUBTRACT GOLDILOCKS FROM BED(MEDIUM) GIVING OUEEN-SIZE-BED-SLEPT-IN.
    MOVE GOLDILOCKS TO BED(SMALL). DISPLAY "IT IS JUST RIGHT".
    ADD GOLDILOCKS TO SLUMBERLAND.
BEARS-RETURN.
    MOVE DADDY-BEAR, MUMMY-BEAR, BABY-BEAR TO KITCHEN.
    MOVE CORRESPONDING BEARS TO PORRIDGE.
    DISPLAY "DADDY BEAR ", COMMENT1.
    DISPLAY "MUMMY BEAR ", COMMENT1.
    DISPLAY "BABY BEAR ", COMMENT1, " AND EATEN IT ALL UP".
    MOVE BEARS TO BEDROOM.
BEARS-IN-BEDROOM.
    EXAMINE BEDS, REPLACING ALL GOLDILOCKS WITH BEARS.
    DISPLAY "DADDY BEAR ", COMMENT2.
    DISPLAY "MUMMY BEAR ", COMMENT2.
    DISPLAY "BABY BEAR ", COMMENT2, " AND HERE SHE IS".
HASTY-RETREAT.
    IF WINDOW IS OPEN EXIT GOLDILOCKS OTHERWISE MOVE GOLDILOCKS TO DOOR.
END-OF-TALE.
    CLOSE STORY, DISPLAY "WOULD YOU BELIEVE CINDERELLA IN PL/I?".
    STOP RUN.